The following message contains references to Song of Solomon 8:6, Ephesians 5:25, 22-23, Revelation 21:2, 6 and the hymn "And can it be" that were read or sung during the service. Their full text is at the bottom of this document.
Daniel and Paula, you have made it. In the midst of a season of COVID-19, personal struggles and political uncertainty, you have come to this place to be united to each other, to make binding promises of loyalty and faithfulness to one another. But how is it that we dare to make such promises to another person in such an uncertain time? Promises imply a confidence in the future; that we will have the resources, the ability, and the desire to do what we say that we will do, and that the situation in which we will find ourselves in the days to come will allow us to fulfill these promises. But why would we make such weighty promises and how can we be confident that we can fulfill them when so much around us is in flux?
One of the reasons we make such weighty promises is that love demands them. In passage that we just read from the Song of Solomon we hear one of the lovers demanding of the other, “Set me like a seal on your heart.” “I want a permanent place in your affections”, the lover says, “right at the center of your soul, with uncontested supremacy over any other earthly love you may have.” Why did they demand this? “Because love is as strong as death.” Extravagant language like this is commonplace in describing love; just read the Valentine’s day cards that have been sold this last week and you’ll find plenty of similar language.
Love demands this kind of language, but we know in our hearts that our love isn’t nearly strong enough to defeat death. There is only one love that is this strong, and that is the love of God the Father, who raised Jesus Christ from death to eternal life. Because we are made in the image of God, your love for each other is patterned after the love that God the Father has for His Son and for His people, and so is described in the language that is appropriate for the love of God, even if we only approach a love like this by the grace of God.
The lover in Song of Solomon goes on to say “jealousy is as fierce as the grave. Its flashes are … the very flame of the Lord.” A jealous affection is one that claims an exclusive right to the corresponding affection in the beloved. We tend to think of jealousy as a bad emotion, for it is commonly associated with a husband who falsely suspects that his wife is being unfaithful to him, or with a child who is jealous of the attention a new baby is receiving from their parents. But proper jealousy isn’t suspicious, nor does it demand things to which it has no right. A good jealousy is a refusal to share with someone else something that should be kept for one’s self alone.
God’s jealousy, described in the Song of Solomon as “the flame of the Lord”, is his jealous requirement that we respond to his love for us by worshipping him alone and his refusal to share that worship with anyone or anything else. This may feel rather uncomfortable to people who want the right to offer themselves in worship to other things besides God, but it is God’s right as our Creator and Lord to demand our fidelity to him, and, because your love for each other is patterned on God’s love for us, it is your right to require of each other the fidelity that you will be promising as you make your vows. Though the world will call you in a thousand ways to share the intimacy and loyalty that you are promising each other with a third party, whether it be a coworker, a family member, or the images on a screen, that must never be allowed, for like God's love for you, your love for each other is a jealous love that is never to be shared.
But this sounds awfully difficult and constraining, and it is. Good things are. If you want to play good music on the piano, you can’t simply hit any piano key whenever you want; that would be the sound of a cat walking on the piano. To play a piano well, you have to work hard to learn how to press the right piano keys at the right time in the right way. If you want to play soccer well, you can’t simply kick the ball wherever you want whenever it comes to you; that would be what a kindergartner would do in an AYSO game. To play soccer well, you have to work hard to learn how to kick the ball in the right direction in the right way at the right time. Good athletes and good musicians know that to do their craft well, they must work hard to submit themselves to the requirements of that craft. Likewise, if you want to do any relationship well, and especially if you want to do marriage well, you must work hard to learn how to submit yourself to the requirements of the relationship.
In the passage from the book of Ephesians that we just read, God shows us how we are to submit ourselves as husbands and wives to the requirements of marriage as he ordained it. Here the apostle Paul tells us that the marriage relationship is patterned after the relationship of Christ and his church, where the husband is to imitate Jesus Christ, and the wife to imitate the church.
Husbands, as they imitate Jesus Christ, are to love their wives the same way that Christ loved the church. The first thing that needs to be said here is that no man is an adequate imitation of Jesus Christ in his love for his wife. We are all like kindergartners dressing up in their dad’s clothes, with huge shoes that barely stay on our feet and a shirt that hangs down on us to the floor. Jesus surpasses us. There is no way that we will ever be able to love our wives as abundantly and sacrificially as Jesus loves the church, yet it is the standard that we are called to strive after by the grace of God and with the encouragement of our wives.
In seeking to measure up to this standard, we husbands must strive to submit ourselves to God’s purpose for us, as Jesus submitted to God’s purpose for him in the Garden of Gethsemane. There, as he faced the prospect of being brutally beaten and killed so that he might bear for his church the punishment for their sins, Jesus had to wrestle to submit to God’s purpose for him. While God will never call us to suffer for our wives to the extent that Jesus suffered for his church, we will likely find ourselves at times struggling to imitate Jesus by saying to God “not my will but what you will” as he calls us to love and serve our wives. Often that struggle will be over small things, like being willing to simply listen to her talk without trying to fix anything or being willing to get up at 2:00 AM to care for a cranky baby.
But whether the issue is relatively minor or a major family crisis, it is your responsibility, Daniel, in every situation to love Paula as Christ loved the church, by saying to God, “not what I will, but what you will,” when he calls upon you to provide her with the good that she needs from you. This self-giving love that we sang about in the hymn "And can it be", where Christ left his throne to die for us is to be your model, as you give of yourself that Paula might be set free from her burdens even as Christ delivered us from the burden of sin and death.
And Paula, as you imitate the church, you are to submit to Daniel’s leadership in your marriage as though you were submitting to Jesus Christ. Of course, Daniel is not Jesus Christ, and sometimes following his lead may not feel very much like following Jesus. It may feel at times more like dancing with a partner who keeps on tripping over your feet. But Daniel is the partner you have chosen (and God has given you) for the dance of marriage, and your job is not to take over the lead from him when he falls short of what you desire, but to strengthen and encourage him as he seeks to grow into the role that he has been given in your marriage.
The two of you are not alone in pursuing this, for your friends here who have joined you in this ceremony have committed themselves to supporting you and Daniel as you strive to make your marriage as good as it can be. They, along with your church family, are like coaches for a football team, ready when you come off the field after a difficult and exhausting battle to strengthen, encourage, and equip you to return to the field to fight together for the welfare of your family. For you are never to be each other’s adversaries. Your true adversary is the devil, and it is against Satan and his allies that you will need to fight to preserve and strengthen your relationship with each other and the health of your family.
And these things are worth preserving. Marriage is a thing to be honored and preserved, for God gave it to us as both an illustration of how He relates to us and the means by which a strong loving environment can be created in which children can be born and raised. A family should be the place where children receive the loving care of their mother and father, who love each other and are committed to the welfare of their children. Each of you will bring your own strengths to the table in this process, and the contributions that each of you make will be needed.
But child-raising is not, by God’s grace, a one-way street, where you children take and take and take, leaving you empty. Each of you will find as you raise children that there are joys in the process that you could not have imagined ahead of time. You will learn important things about yourselves, each other, and God, that you could have learned in no other way.
Beyond what you learn from raising children, you will learn things about God as you work to preserve and strengthen your relationship. We all know that God is faithful to us; we learn something about what that means by learning to live faithfully with each other. We all know that God loves unlovely people; we learn a little of what that means by learning to love each other when we are not at our best. And we husbands learn just how much God has condescended to us by choosing to be called “Father” (not “parent” and not “the Force”) when we compare his perfect love, wisdom, knowledge, and power with our own very imperfect displays of these virtues. (Our wives may learn this lesson as well by looking at us).
But more important still, in marriage we learn beautiful things about the love that God has for us and the wonderful future that He makes available to us. When Jesus taught people, he repeatedly referred to a great wedding feast to which his people were invited, and in the passage in Revelation which we read it is very briefly described. There the author of Revelation said, “And I saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.” This is the point of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection; to make for himself a holy city, namely his church, to be his bride. This city is further described in another passage as “having the glory of God, its radiance like a most rare jewel.” She is seen coming down from God to be presented to the groom, who is Jesus.
So, what we saw today, as you, Paula, were brought down the aisle by your father to Daniel was not merely a nice tradition, it was a true (but small and limited) representation of what we as believers can look forward to at the culmination of history. In your beauty, Paula, you represent to us what the church will be like on that day, while your father represented God as he brought you to Daniel, who represents Jesus. At the risk of stretching the analogy a bit, we might even say that your brother-in-law represented the Holy Spirit. What you have shown us here is a tiny foretaste of what awaits all believers in heaven, a celebration filled with beauty, joy, and anticipation nothing at all like our cartoon image of bored angels standing in clouds strumming harps.
And this, by God’s grace, will be just the beginning. God hasn’t brought you this far to say, “good job and good luck!” and then give you a push into the future and wave farewell. He, more than any of us here, will be with you in all that you do. He will be in your joys to deepen them, and in your struggles to make them fruitful. To echo the apostle Paul, I am sure of this, that he who has begun a good work in both of you in this wedding will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Until then, press on in anticipation. Receive the good that God gives you with gratitude and use it faithfully for His good purposes. Receive the challenges he sets before you with hope, knowing that with the challenges God will supply water from the spring of life to sustain your souls and that He works everything (even the tough stuff) for the good of people like yourselves who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
God will be with you wherever you go, and we will come alongside as opportunities permit, to help you make your marriage and family one that glorifies God, brings you delight, and reveals to us something of the wonder of God’s goodness toward us.
Congregational hymn - And can it be
And can it be that I should gain
An int'rest in the Savior's blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain?
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! how can it be
That Thou, my God, should die for me?
Amazing love! how can it be
That Thou, my God, should die for me!
He left His Father's throne above,
So free, so infinite His grace;
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam's helpless race;
'Tis mercy all, immense and free;
For, O my God, it found out me. [Refrain]
Long my imprisoned spirit lay
Fast bound in sin and nature's night;
Thine eye diffused a quick'ning ray,
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free;
I rose, went forth and followed Thee. [Refrain]
No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him is mine!
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own. [Refrain]
Set me as a seal upon your heart,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior
And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband… To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment.
